Amar es una decisión

Siempre creí que el amor era una decisión, consciente, racional, de la que uno debía responsabilizarse. Aun antes de enamorarme, teniendo 13 o 14 años llegué a esa conclusión, y sé que no me enamoré antes de los 23 o 22 años, porque lo decidí así, porque no conocí a nadie que me incitara a decidirme.

Y hoy, profundamente enamorada por segunda vez, con el regalo que es mi geek para mi, y después de haber sufrido un corazón roto, que ustedes que me leen conocen mejor que nadie (pues lo leyeron en detalle); puedo responsabilizarme de eso, de mis actos, y mis decisiones, yo decidí amar, me la jugué una vez y perdí, y me la estoy jugando otra vez porque conocí a alguien que me hizo decidirme de nuevo.

Ahora, hablando con mi geek, llegamos a las mismas conclusiones, él opina que debe haber algo de base para empezar, una atracción, pero que en resumen, uno podría hacer que algo funcione con cualquier persona, o casi cualquiera; yo por mi parte creo que es cuestión de decidirse, habiendo esa atracción, uno decide consciente y racionalmente lo que quiere hacer, si ama o no. Nunca me creí eso de “fue amor a primera vista”, o la aún peor “no pudimos evitarlo, sencillamente pasó, estaba fuera de nuestro control”, ¡Qué facilidad para desligarse de las consecuencias de los actos propios!, es bloquear la culpa aduciendo fuerzas instintivas imposibles de manejar, por favor… Abrir el alma/corazón/mente (dependiendo en lo que crean) para amar a alguien o dejar de amarlo es algo que se decide, y que debe asumirse, y creo que por eso aun la ruptura me desconcierta, porque no encaja con mi visión del amor, aun se me dice que yo era la novia/prometida perfecta, pero que no pudo evitarlo, pues, lo siento, yo creo que si pudo haberlo evitado, solo no quiso.

Está bien que no haya querido, es perfectamente posible y sensato que la gente cambie de opinión, elija cosas o personas nuevas, lo que no soporto es que desligue lo que hizo de su propia mente racional y sus decisiones; eso me parece cobarde; y la idea del amor romántico que pierde la cabeza, que impera en las relaciones sentimentales fomenta ese desligue con la culpa, se escucha por ahí decir “yo sé que tiene novia/o, pero nos tragamos, es inevitable, tengo que esperar a que terminen y ahí si seremos pareja oficial”, ¿qué creerán que ese que tiene pareja cambiará por ellos?, ¿si es “tan inevitable”, cómo es que no podrá evitarlo de nuevo?.

El tema siempre ha estado en mi cabeza, pero hoy me decidí a escribir, partiendo de mi vida, por una anécdota oída en una cena, en ella, la mujer precisamente decía eso, empezó algo con un hombre que ya tenía una relación, a escondidas (para agravarlo, ella era su profesora de clases privadas de inglés), según ella fue inevitable, y tenían que huir de la novia, y por si fuera poco, ella tuvo que dejar la empresa de idiomas, para no perjudicarla; lo que me asombró es que ella se quejaba diciendo que todo duró un par de meses nada más y que él seguía hablando con la ex-novia, fue calificado de perro, mezquino y similares; y al final volvió con la primera; digo… como ella lo ataca por “perro” sin sentir culpa por haber iniciado conscientemente una relación con:

a. Hombre claramente ennoviado, y al parecer en camino a casarse.

b. Su estudiante de clases de inglés, perteneciendo ella a un instituto.

Es decir, es cómodo arguir que todo en el amor es inveitable, da carta blanca para herir, ser infiel, abandonar, incumplir promesas; y no sentir un gramo de culpa. Pero conmigo no funciona, y agradezco al cielo que con mi geek tampoco.

Termino con una nota dulce, esto me dijo en el chat hace unas noches:

(01:30:25) Mi Geek: “Una de las formas más duras de terminar con alguien es hacerlo cuando esta persona piensa que todo marcha bien.”
(01:34:32) Mafalda: es horrible, horrible, la sensación de impotencia, de pérdida, de ignorancia, de haber jugado al tonto. que hayas resaltado eso, indica que debo preocuparme? acerca de nosotros?
(01:35:02) Mi Geek: No es acerca de nosotros, es por lo acertado con respecto a tu relación pasada. No debes preocuparte. Que bueno que lo dijiste, así se evitan confusiones.
(01:36:43) Mafalda: ahora que lo pienso, fue horrible, todo, desde terminar conmigo luego de un mes de proponer matrimonio, y estar en mi casa, y haber tenido una semanita de peleas pequeñas y confesar que la otra le gustaba; terminar por email, ni siquiera con una llamada telefónica
(01:43:57) Mafalda: esto que dice en ese blog, es muy sabio ” Ella (o él) sabrá entonces qué esperar de la relación, podrá tomar decisiones a lo largo de ella y nunca se sentirá engañada.” Ojalá yo hubiera tenido eso.
(01:44:33) Mafalda: ni siquiera hoy lo tengo, cuando el y yo hablamos de la ruptura, escucho las mismas cosas, que tan perfecta era yo, uno no deja a alguien que cree la novia perfecta. Creo que mi problema es que sus explicaciones no pueden conciliarse con mi propia concepción del amor
(01:50:29) Mi Geek: En dónde se contradice?
(01:51:31) Mafalda: dice que yo era la novia perfecta, la mejor mujer que podría imaginar para el, pero que sencillamente pasó que se enamoró de la otra, que no pudo controlarlo, más fuerte que el, era inevitable, etc. Yo creo, como te dije, que amar es una decisión, no te arrolla como un camión, es algo que se decide, y dejar de amar también, toma tiempo, pero empieza con su decisión.
(01:54:15) Mafalda: quizá el final de ese post se insinúa algo con lo que no se si estoy de acuerdo
(01:54:47) Mi Geek: Y en eso creo que estamos de acuerdo (el amor como decisión y no designio divino), yo trato de sacar esto hacia afuera, tratando infructuosamente de no ser cursi, pero en realidad creo que no tiene nada que ver la una cosa con la otra.
(01:54:50) Mafalda: el final suena a “quédate con el/ella” y pues si, la gente es irremplazable, indeed, pero eso no quiere decir que uno tenga que quedarse
(01:55:54) Mafalda: no siempre quedarse con esa persona es la respuesta, mcuhas veces, hay que decir adiós, sea uno el que haya decidido primero o no irse; muchas veces, hay mejores personas por las que uno puede decidirse
(01:57:09) Mafalda: crees que ser cursi se relaciona con creer que es designio divino?
(01:57:25) Mi Geek: No, creo que mas bien no tienen nada que ver.
(01:57:28) Mi Geek: Define “mejor”.
(01:57:41) Mafalda: mejor = tu
(01:57:53) Mi Geek: Entre derretimiento y risa.
(01:58:06) Mafalda: ok, dejando fuera la cursilería, es alguien “mejor para mi”
(01:59:05) Mafalda: alguien que ame de una forma diferente, que se acerca mucho más a la mía; alguien que me cautiva mucho más, y me respeta, y a quien puedo amar con mi manera de amar
(01:59:09) Mafalda: y creo que me ama igual
(02:00:24) Mafalda: alguien que es muy diferente a mi, pero me cautiva y sorprende todo el tiempo.
(02:31:19) Mi Geek: Yo decidí amarte.
(02:32:49) Mafalda: lo sé, no sabes cuanto agradezco esa decisión.
(02:33:47) Mafalda: y yo decidí amarte, también

Nuevas oportunidades de trabajo… indecisa como siempre

Me estás ofreciendo trabajo como profesora en dos colegios privados diferentes; uno en Bachillerato, dictando ciencias sociales de 6to a 9no grado; y ciencias políticas, ciencias económicas, filosofía, religión y ética y valores en 10mo y 11mo; ahh, 100% en inglés, es un colegio bilingüe. La otra vacante es para dictar ciencias sociales y ciencias naturales integradas en algo llamado “naturaleza y sociedad” desde kinder hasta 3er grado de primaria; y ciencias sociales desde 4to hasta 7mo grado, pero en este caso en español.

Ambos son de tiempo completo, y aunque muy lejos de casa, la paga es razonable. No sé que hacer, Bonaerense, ¿cómo lo haces? es decir, yo soy creativa, y divertida, mis clases son entretenidas, pero batallo tanto manteniendo el orden en el aula, no soy una figura de autoridad y no se como convertirme en una… y eso me frustra. Cuando estudiaba siempre pensé que enseñar sería algo increíble, pero mis experiencias no han sido buenas, no soy pésima, pero siento que no consigo ese control que se requiere.

Y no tengo más ofertas de trabajo tampoco, o si, pero las de docencia son mucho más interesantes y me permiten desarrollar proyectos a largo plazo.

¿Será inseguridad y nada más? ¿será que soy muy dulce que se vuelve contraproducente? ¿Será que soy un fracaso como profesora y ya?

En fin, ya les estaré contando.

Si alguien es profesor o profesora y tiene sugerencias, las acepto emocionada y agradecida.

Resultado

Parece ser benigno, me evaluarán en seis meses para hacer seguimiento.

Miedo

Lleov un par de meses con dolor en el seno derecho, y ha crecido significativamente, y no he subido de peso.

Hace una semana, en una ecografía, el radiólogo identificó dos tumores, uno en cada seno, en el izquierdo de 1 cm y el derecho de 1.5 cm. Recomendó una biopsia para descartar cáncer, ya que son masas sólidas, y no parecen quistes.

Hoy tengo una cita con una mastóloga y cirujana de seno; ya tuve una antes, pero el médico me hizo sentir algo ignorada, así que ella es mi segunda opinión.

Tengo miedo, bastante… sólo tengo 24 años, puede que no sea nada, es lo más probable, pero es posible que sea algo, y eso me aterra.

Mi geek quiso ir conmigo al doctor, para apoyarme. Algo de dulzura en medio del miedo.

Email – The End II y un beginning

Luego del último chat, escribí esto un poco antes, durante y después, el 6 de febrero:

From: Mafalda

To: Mi Bonito

You have no idea how it hurts when you hang up on me, and it seems to be your latest trend, you call or we talk on msn, and you decide when and how is over… like if half of the talk wasn’t me, is not only disrespectful but also hurtful and rude, and you do it to me all the time.

You never said “Mafalda give me time, please, I’ll contact you when I heal and we will restart what we planned”, the best thing you said was that it might (probably wouldn’t) but might happen in the future, and most of the time you said it was over. How am I supposed to read your mind and find that out? If you don’t let me in, I can’t know it.

Yes you are a control freak and no, you didn’t give me time to get over things, you just came back when your other plan didn’t work, so don’t say it like if you had been kind enough to give me that time, because we both know it didn’t happen that way. I just hate you can’t talk to me and tell me something so simple like “give me that time I need but you have my word I’ll be back and we will try it”, we fight all the time because the feelings are too damn strong and our characters are strong as well, and because let’s face it, you want things your way, only your way, I gave my opinion, was trejected, I tried to compromise, was rejected, I’m lost here… and on the meanwhile you hurt me with your words or sentences or attitudes, you overlook all my efforts, like if i had done nothing; like all couples, we need to work on it, because there is not a perfect couple, with time, this issues always surface, we were perfect the first 5 months, now, this is the real life, real problems, is up to us if we give up or solve them.

Baby, I put my life on your hands once and didn’t get what I felt I deserved, so my fears should be understood, and I didn’t even hear “give me time, I’ll be back”, you moved in with someone else and started a new life that didn’t include me, at all; now, lately I asked for time but always included you in my future. There is a big difference there, but you judge me so hardly, like if i was the biggest bitch, and I’m just a girl with a broken heart who glued it back to try to trust again but still was scared.

If you felt my email last night was mean or angry, I apologize, I was just terribly sad and destroyed and just felt couldn’t take anymore, not you or the amazing person you are and the guy i fell for, but they way you treat me or judge me sometimes. And finally all the times you said this was over finally hit me, I was trying to set you free if that was your wish, because you said we were over quite often, ignoring that is the most hurtful sentence you could say to me.

I wish I could have an answer for us, to see why all this shit happened to us, to the great couple we were, why can’t we just tell each other the sincere truth from the bottom of our hearts, work this out.

Are we over? I don’t know, somedays it seems like yes, somedays seems like not, I wish I could look into your eyes just once before deciding that, is hard to think that my last memory of you in person was you crying because you loved so much you couldn’t let me go. Is my love over? No, is my heart over you? no, hell no! am I ready to love someone new? don’t know, maybe not, do I see any hope for us? I don’t know, I can’t answer that on my own, I wish, deeply, aand I prayed for that, but isn’t just my call, and last night you sounded like if you you had made up your mind about us being over, and I’m crying at work while I type this so I should get going.

Su respuesta fue esta:

From: Mi Bonito

To: Mafalda

Yes we are over

Yo lo acepté, y como una asunto de magia, milagro o bendición, al día siguiente conocí a mi geek <3

Y me robó el corazón en menos de una semana…

Email and chat – The end I

Una noche, luego de peleas, no pude más, envié esto, el 5 de febrero:

From: Mafalda

To: Mi Bonito

You were right earlier, this is over, we should just move on, I’m done, I gave it all to you twice, and this is it, I had enough. I love you, I do, but every day, every mean word, every rude sentence, every time you throw things back at me or try to manipulate me with you “leaving for good”, stabbed this love, and tonight, you inflicted the fatal wound.
Thanks for the good times, were perfect,for being the first love I had, the first man I was with; and you could have had me forever you just took it back your word, and now, it’s time to find new illusions for both of us.
You will always have a part of my heart and one day we will be friends, but now, like you said, a separation is needed, so for some time I won’t be available on msn or skype.

Luego vino la llamada por teléfono mientras yo trabajaba, ojos aguados, y este chat:

Mi Bonito: Mafalda…lets agree last and finally. This is over yes?
Mafalda: oh, Jesus, do you really need that time?
Why never you opened your heart and told me that
Mi Bonito: I didn’t say that
Just answer my question.
Mafalda: like this: “give me that time I need but you have my word I’ll be back and we will try it”
Mi Bonito: Right, just like you needing time
Damnit…just answer my question
Mafalda: yeah but I told you that
Mi Bonito: I don’t want time
I want an answer to my question
Mafalda: the best I could get form you was a “might, maybe”
Mi Bonito: Just answer my question
Mafalda: I don’t know if it is over, I still love you so damn much
that won’t fade like that
but I can’t keep trying alone
Mi Bonito: How can you accouse me of not making up my mind. You can’t make yours up either.
Ok, I’ll do the hard part. I’ll be the asshole here.
Yo: nope
Mi Bonito: This is over Mafalda. We are done.
Mafalda: don’t
why did you ask me then?
you don’t believe that
Mi Bonito: Because I wanted to make sure you were sure.
I do believe it.
After our conversation today, which I was trying to make a nice one…I am done.
Mafalda: I still can amdit I love you so damn much but I had enough of trying alone
Mi Bonito: You were not trying alone
Then you had that conversation with me
And you’ve been alone ever since
Mafalda: I was, I was practically begging
Mi Bonito: Mafalda…this is not up for discussion.
We are done.
Ok?
Mafalda: Why do you bother talking to me if in the end you always want it yur way and only your way
I could say anythig now, wouldn’t change anything
Mi Bonito: No…I really wanted this to work. I made plans with you because I wanted it to work and I felt it would
Mafalda: because it seems what I feel, say or think isn’t importsnt
Mi Bonito: You are the one who sent me an email saying this is over.
Mafalda: I really wanted that as well
Mi Bonito: So I’m confirming that.
I accept your email and I understand.
Goodbye for good Mafalda
Mafalda: I just had enough of hurtful words
my love is huge
but can be broken
and you did all you could to kill it
I don’t undertand, and will never do, why you couldn’t compromise so we can work this out
Mi Bonito: Are you done?
I have to go to work.
Mafalda: so, I tried mybest, did all I could to win you back, and I failed
Mi Bonito: I tried my best to win you back. You know that. But in the end, I can’t do anything for you.
Mafalda: if you ask me if my love is over, it isn’t, maybe we are, but I wish getting over you and forgetting you could work by sending an email
win me back? do I seem like I forgot you? like I wouldn’t try it?
Mi Bonito: Mafalda, I have to go to work.
Mafalda: you hurt me so damn much last year, but still, I was never totally gone
you never lost me completely
have a great day at work
Mi Bonito: Mafalda i have to go to work.
Mafalda: and I din’t mean to send an angry email
was just a heartbroken one
Mi Bonito: Mafalda I have to go to work.
Mafalda: bye
we will talk some day
Mi Bonito: No. We won’t. And that is unfourtinate.
Goodbye.
Mafalda: love you and somehow I always will
we will, we will be friends
Mi Bonito: I love you too.
Mafalda: te amo tanto, so hard to let go
damn I can’t cry, I am at work
Mi Bonito: I have to go to work
Goodbye
Mafalda: goodbye

Short story, oh well, is a long one, I can’t write short stuff…

Él regresó, cuando ella lo dejó, yo había conocido a alguien más, no estaba enamorada, pero había decidido intentarlo, en un punto, luego de unsas semanas en las que la nueva persona se alejó y él y yo revivimos algo del romance perdido, me hizo decidir, si seguir acá o darle una oportunidad a tener algo en el futuro, no una relación de nuevo, sino trabajar para algún día tenerla en persona, al final decidí que debía sanar antes de regresar, pero también que la relación en la que estaba no tenía más futuro para mi, decidí ser amiga de ambos, y tratar de tener ese futuro con ese gran amor, pero sanando primero. Su reacción fue sentirse traicionado, engañado y enfurecido, tratando de reparar todo, escribí esto, está en inglés y no lo voy a traducir, es una manera de poner en una historia (trillada, mala y lo que quieran) mi experiencia con el para salir de eso de una vez, esto fue escrito entre el 26 y el 27 de enero de 2009.

Green-eyed boy with a rain-forest heart and Brown-eyed bookworm girl

This is a story of broken hearts, love, hate, anger, sweetness, and the most importantly, is the story of two people who kept crossing their paths, in a constant search for feeling finally at home, where they belonged.

A Green-eyed boy with a rain-forest heart was born far way from his beloved rain-forest, in a sometimes cold, sometimes hot land; he had big dreams, wanted to travel, see the entire world, experience new cultures, new food and get to know new people. His green eyes had a everlasting magic sparkle, that shined even more when he was devoted to his passion; amusing people senses with god’s biggest gift, tastes. He had the ability of transforming something simple and just necessary to survive, as eating, into a sensory, deep, amazing, creative experience, where taste, sight, smell and touch were involved. Something related to a biological function was raised to an artistic level, where not only the body, but the soul, mind and heart got nourished.
Green-eyed boy with a rain-forest heart was an artist, creative in every way possible, singing, playing the guitar or the mandolin; or just expressing that sensible soul inside of his, by staring with his green eyes. This talented and sweet boy was sad though, someone had broken his heart, leaving him hurt and lonely. He needed to love, there was so much love inside of him, trying to get out, but no one around who he can trust enough to give his heart to, and let his guard down. He always knew the girl for him wasn’t someone next to him, his rain-forest heart longed for someone from a foreign and exotic land, someone with the Caribbean heat running through her veins, someone who could actually understand a rain-forest heart inside his show-white body, someone who could speak the language he spoke from his heart, quien pudiera entender esas palabras de amor que solo se escuchan en ese idioma extraño y lejano…someone who could enjoy the music he loved and cook new food with some soul; someone who could heat up those cold winter nights away from the beach.

At the same time, in the other side of the world, there was a girl, a lonely, sweet, warm and smart girl. A Brown-eyed bookworm girl, she had lived all her life inside books, she only had experienced love through romantic novels, and she had seen the world, travelling here and there, but deep inside, she wanted to find the one spot she could feel like at home, her lonely heart was sick of being unattended and wanted to experience what is like to look at someone else eyes and understand, not needing any words.

Brown-eyed bookworm girl wasn’t as artistic as Green-eyed boy with a rain-forest heart, but she could write, was all she did, write at work, where she dug into ancient books to find forgotten events and truths, ignoring the present, only living in the past or the future… Her heart, was warm and longing for someone to come into her life for her to cover him with all the love she had inside. Brown-eyed bookworm girl had a lot to give, but felt invisible to all men’s eyes, in the warm exotic land of hers, she was transparent, so, deep inside, she knew only someone from far away, with an extraordinary heart could love her the way she deserved it.

Green-eyed boy with a rain-forest heart and Brown-eyed bookworm girl were walking on their paths, when, unexpectedly, paths crossed, not in a smooth way, but creating chaos, excitement, passion, and the first manifestations of deep love. Their hearts got captivated by each other, their minds got blown away by each other, their souls were ecstatic about each other, they both found what they were looking for. Green-eyed boy with a rain-forest heart found a caring, loving heart, willing to cure his, someone with the exotic soul he wanted but who also could get him on many different levels and who also he found extremely interesting. He had found someone who he could sing esas canciones al oído, he found a reason to continue.

And Brown-eyed bookworm girl found the love and passion she never had before, she found a passionate heart who made her feel head over heels, a deep, interesting mind that made her mind question many beliefs, an intellectual challenge inside the sweetest boy she had ever met.

Still, the distance was huge between Green-eyed boy with a rain-forest heart and Brown-eyed bookworm girl, and seemed like was something impossible to overcome, when Green-eyed boy with a rain-forest heart decided to take the the bull by the horns. He had enough of life controlling his fate, and did all he could to see that shy sweet girl that had stolen his heart. He broke his piggy-bank, and decided to go to an exotic land, in between his cold home and her far away country; a place with a deep meaning in both countries’ history, a shared space that could be a great background for the longed moment.
Brown-eyed bookworm girl had to overcome many fears, but in the end, love was stronger than that, and she took a plane to meet her sweet boy. Green-eyed boy with a rain-forest heart had been on the plane for a long time, his throbbing heart was excited for many reasons, his heart was going to see that rain-forest he had had inside himself since he was born, he was about to see the sweet girl who was healing his broken soul and creating new dreams. They had an exciting week ahead of them.

Finally, after months of waiting and anticipation, green eyes where about to meet brown eyes in a first long look, followed by a long, sweet kiss. They felt as if they had known each other since forever, there was no awkwardness or discomfort, everything was natural and sweet, meant to be. That same night, Brown-eyed bookworm girl gave Green-eyed boy with a rain-forest heart a gift, something she had been holding on her entire life, and she felt he was the right one to be honored, so she did, and the boy was surprised, she seemed more shy before .

After a sweet week by the rain-forest and the beach, that was worth more than years of living together, they had to get apart again, with tears on their eyes, and sorrow in their hearts, they kissed goodbye,with the promise of keeping that magic love alive forever. It was hard to see themselves trapped in the little boxes again, but they had proved that what others saw as a hopeless dream, was in fact a magic reality. That trip changed them both, Green-eyed boy with a rain-forest heart got his snow-white skin sunburned, and he explored amazing ocean, but most importantly, is that he surrendered himself to love once again, gave her the chance, and trusted her enough to. And Brown-eyed bookworm girl got back to her books, but she was different, she now was a woman inside, she had seen more of the world, one of her passions, but she was in love, for the very first time, and not like a teenager, a mature more serious, and amazing love, the kind she always was afraid she would never experience.

Love was perfect, but life wasn’t, and boy and girl had problems, like any couple, the distance was terribly difficult to bear with, sometimes language barriers pushed them apart for a second, but love always reunited them again; and the worse part, they couldn’t see each other as soon as they wanted it, because Brown-eyed bookworm girl was considered dangerous in his snowy land, so her presence there was forbidden, leaving them apart and with only one way to see again and feel each other bodies, and look into each other eyes, green to brown, brown to green, green to brown again, in a symphony of loving looks. Green-eyed boy with a rain-forest heart had to conquer his own fears and visit Brown-eyed bookworm girl in her own, exotic, yet bit dangerous land.

Green-eyed boy with a rain-forest heart traveled, met and fell in love with her country and her family, and fall deeper in love with her, he was crazy about all the little sides of her personality, some drove him crazy, some made him smile. He was excited about seeing the world next to her, one country at a time; and she loved to see him enjoying her culture, her traditions and heritage, and seeing him with his green eyes sparkling all the time, like a little child learning about the world around him. She was falling deeper and deeper for him, and she was sure that next to him, all dreams could come true.

Green-eyed boy with a rain-forest heart started feeling she was the one companion he wanted for the rest of his life, and also felt overwhelmed by the distance, knowing that the only way he could bear with that, was to bring his beloved girl next to him, so he decided to ask her to leave it all for him and try once again to be in his snowy land. He bought a gorgeous ring, and kept it, waiting for the right moment. At the same time, Brown-eyed bookworm girl dreamed and dreamed about the moment he might ask, and kept living and loving him, but due to her inexperience, she started living for him almost only, and that put pressure on them. Like was said before about this loving couple, love was easy, but life isn’t, and they were humans, so, they had many problems, fought sometimes and felt the stress of a serious relationship with 20 countries keeping them apart. Both were too scared to admit that a commitment until forever was something too soon and too big, they loved each other deeply but started moving too fast.

Green-eyed boy with a rain-forest heart finally asked her and gave her the ring, on the most romantic day ever for her, and both of them, excited yet scared, started a new stage together. Brown-eyed bookworm girl was floating through the sky, she felt so loved and safe and finally had completely surrendered herself to love and to the boy she loved. Green-eyed boy with a rain-forest heart and Brown-eyed bookworm girl were feeling really lonely when they separated again for the third time, at the airport; both were longing for the real company of each other in person, both felt that huge hollow emptiness that was left when he went back to his cold land; and at the same time, she couldn’t bring all the support and love he needed, and their paths slowly started to move away from each other.

Finally one day, Green-eyed boy with a rain-forest heart found a new illusion, next to him, and loving and respecting Brown-eyed bookworm girl as he did, he decided to end their love story, and try that new illusion. Brown-eyed bookworm girl was destroyed, she had a romantic movie idea of love, that lasts forever, a love that could endure all. At that moment she realized she could never love again like she had loved him, but that love wasn’t what she thought. This now really sad heartbroken girl realized that she wasn’t as perfect as a girlfriend as she thought she was, and that even though she loved him deeply, all she could do was find out what went wrong, forgive and try to let him go, because if he was meant to be with her at some point, he would eventually come back.

Brown-eyed bookworm girl tried to focus on work, tried to find a new illusion, and, even though she enjoyed some happy times, her heart was feeling empty and missing him deeply, because that boy, after all what happened, was still who she wanted to be with. She just wanted to see if things could work between them, she only wanted a chance. At the same time, she worked on healing and forgiving, because she wasn’t betrayed by him, but that sweet boy who stole her heart, had broken it in 1000 pieces.

Months went by, and finally Green-eyed boy with a rain-forest heart reappeared, he was sad again, his soul was sad and that illusion he had, didn’t work out, and Brown-eyed bookworm girl, as destroyed as she was, she opened her door again for him, just to be a friend, as he asked her for. They started talking again and Brown-eyed bookworm girl with her sweet words, and her sweet love made him feel a little better, and gave him hope for the future. Green-eyed boy with a rain-forest heart wanted to talk again with Brown-eyed bookworm girl in a romantic way, something she loved to do, but something that also made her scared. Brown-eyed bookworm girl had lost that never ending faith she had in him and on love. Now she loved him in a more mature ay, not so like a teenager. This also brought fears and thoughts to her mind, and in the end she decided to once again take the chance on him, but to start really slowly, and she let go that illusion she had in her exotic land.

Brown-eyed bookworm girl was scared, and felt so much fear, and also was sad, because she didn’t want to hurt the boy she loved, by bringing the past to the present, she knew people shouldn’t do at home what she did at work (as a historian, all she did was bring the past back to the present), and in love, is all about forgetting, forgiving and cherishing the strongest feelings. Brown-eyed bookworm girl needed and wanted some time to heal, and let go of the pain she had inside, ’cause she was just human, but Green-eyed boy with a rain-forest heart felt deeply hurt by that, he felt betrayed and lied to, and she actually did what she was trying to avoid, she hurt that boy she loved. Brown-eyed bookworm girl felt like she was dying inside once again, because the only person she wanted to protect and make happy, was the person hurt and affected. She was confused, even though she had done what she know and thought was right.

Green-eyed boy with a rain-forest heart reacted, and got scared himself, lashed out at her and pushed her away, all she wanted was to protect him and what they could build together, and she got rejection and loneliness. All Green-eyed boy with a rain-forest heart wanted was to be loved by a great girl, by his side, someone who will help him make his dreams come true, and wake up next to. And all Brown-eyed bookworm girl wants is to be loved by a great guy, someone who will push her to pursue her dreams, someone who will hold her every morning, look into her eyes and tell her “I love you..”

Can their paths cross and stay together again?

I sincerely hope so.

P.D.: Su respuesta, siguó sintiendo lo mismo, rabia ira, en sus palabras lo traicioné y pasé por encima suyo. No soportaba hablarme, pero seguía llamando.

P.D.2: Lo sé, soy una ingrata que no posteó nada en meses, pero hice mi duelo a mi manera creo.

Poemas y traducciones propias, je!

Algunos poemas de Bécquer, mi poeta favorito, de hecho, el único que me gusta, y mis traducciones al inglés, no todas mías, algunas son encontradas en internet.

Gustavo Adolfo Bécquer – Rimas

Gustavo Adolfo Becquer – Rhymes

RIMA II
Saeta que voladora
cruza arrojada al azar,
y que no sabe dónde
temblando se clavará;
hoja que del árbol seca
arrebata el vendaval,
sin que nadie acierte el surco
donde al polvo volverá;
gigante ola que el viento
riza y empuja en el mar,
y rueda y pasa, y se ignora
qué playa buscando va;
luz que en cercos temblorosos
brilla próxima a expirar
y que no se sabe de ellos
cuál el último será;
eso soy yo que al acaso
cruzo el mundo sin pensar
de dónde vengo ni adónde
mis pasos me llevarán.

RHYME II
Bolt that flies headlong,
fired at random,
without divining where
it will nail itself, trembling;
leaf of a dry tree
snatched by the gale,
never guessing the furrow
into which it will fall;
giant wave that the wind
twists and pushes in the sea,
that rolls and moves,
and knows not what beach it is seeking;
lamps that shine on the flickering wall,
about to expire,
ignorant of which one will shine the longest;
and I, who by chance travel this world,
without thinking from where I am come,
nor to where my steps will take me.

RIMA XCIV
Quién fuera luna,
quién fuera brisa,
quién fuera sol!
¡Quién del crepúsculo
fuera la hora,
quién el instante
de tu oración!
¡Quién fuera parte
de la plegaria
que solitaria
mandas a Dios!
¡Quién fuera luna
quién fuera brisa,
quién fuera sol!

RHYME XCIV
Were I moon,
were I breeze,
were I sun!
Were I the hour
of the twilight,
I the moment
that you spoke!
Were I
part of the submission
that a hermit
vows to God!
Were I moon,
were I breeze,
were I sun! …

RIMA LXXXIII
Una mujer me ha envenenado el alma,
otra mujer me ha envenenado el cuerpo;
ninguna de las dos vino a buscarme,
yo de ninguna de las dos me quejo.
Como el mundo es redondo, el mundo rueda.
Si mañana, rodando, este veneno
envenena a su vez, ¿por qué acusarme?
¿Puedo dar más de lo que a mí me dieron?

RHYME LXXXIII
A woman has poisoned my soul,
another woman has poisoned my body; none of them came to look for me,
I don´t complain for none of them.
As the world is round, the world rotates.
If tomorrow, rotating, this poison does poison in turn, who can accuse me?
Can I give more than I was given?

RIMA LXXXI
Dices que tienes corazón, y solo
lo dices porque sientes sus latidos;
eso no es corazón… es una máquina
que al compás que se mueve hace ruido.

RHYME LXXXI
You say you have a heart,
and only say it because you feel its beats;
that is not a heart… it is a machine
that to the rhythm it moves making noise.

RIMA XXI
¿Qué es poesía?,
dices mientras clavas en mi pupila tu pupila azul.
¿Que es poesía?,
Y tú me lo preguntas?
Poesía… eres tú.

RHYME XXI
What is poetry?
you say while you look with your blue pupil into my pupil,
What is poetry?
and you ask me?
Poetry… is you.

RIMA XVII
Hoy la tierra y los cielos me sonríen;
hoy llega al fondo de mi alma el sol;
hoy la he visto..,
la he visto y me ha mirado…
¡Hoy creo en Dios!

RHYME XVII
Today earth and heaven smile at me,
today the sun reaches the bottom of my soul,
today I have seen her,
I have seen her and she looked at me,
today I believe in God!

RIMA XXIII
Por una mirada, un mundo,
por una sonrisa, un cielo,
por un beso…
¡yo no sé que te diera por un beso!

RHYME XXIII
For a look, a world,
for a smile, the sky,
for a kiss…,
I don’t know what I would give you for a kiss

RIMA XXXIII
Es cuestión de palabras, y,
no obstante, ni tú ni yo jamás,
después de lo pasado,
convendremos en quién la culpa está.
¡Lástima que el amor un diccionario
no tenga dónde hallar cuando el orgullo
es simplemente orgullo y cuando es dignidad!

RHYME XXXIII
Is just a matter of words, and,
nonetheles, not you nor me, ever,
after what we have been through,
will agree on who is the one to blame.
Too bad that love doesn’t have
a thesaurus where to find when pride is just pride
and when is dignity.

RIMA XXXV
No me admiró tu olvido!
Aunque de un día, me admiró tu cariño mucho más;
porque lo que hay en mí que vale algo eso…
¡ni lo pudiste sospechar!..

RHYME XXXV
I wasn’t surprised by your oblivion
I was even more wondered by your love
because what is inside of me worths something that…
you couldn’t even suspect…

RIMA XXXVI
Si de nuestros agravios en un libro
se escribiese la historia,
y se borrase en nuestras almas
cuanto se borrase en sus hojas;
Te quiero tanto aún:
dejó en mi pecho tu amor huellas tan hondas,
que sólo con que tú borrases una,
¡las borraba yo todas!

RHYME XXXVI
If in book our offenses
were written in a story
and if everything erased on its pages
was erased from our souls.
I still love you so much,
your love left in my chest so deep marks
that if you only erase one
I would erase them all!

RIMA XXXVIII
Los suspiros son aire y van al aire!
Las lágrimas son agua y van al mar!
Dime, mujer, cuando el amor se olvida
¿sabes tú adónde va?

RHYME XXXVIII
Sighs are air, and go to the air
Tears are water and go to the ocean
Tell me woman, when love is forgotten
Do you know where it goes?

RIMA XLI
Tú eras el huracán y yo la alta torre que desafía su poder:
¡tenías que estrellarte o que abatirme! ¡No pudo ser!
Tú eras el océano y yo la enhiesta roca que firme aguarda su vaivén:
¡tenías que romperte o que arrancarme! … ¡No pudo ser!
Hermosa tú, yo altivo; acostumbrados uno a arrollar, el otro a no ceder: l
a senda estrecha, inevitable el choque… ¡No pudo ser!

RHYME XLI
You were the hurricane and I was the tall tower that defeats its power.
You had to crash or bring me down, it wasn’t meant to be.
You were the ocean and I was the upright rock that firm waits its rolling.
You had to break or rip me, it wasn’t meant to be. Beutiful you, haughty me.
Both used to one to sweep, the other to never give up.
Narrow path, inevitable crash, it wasn’t meant to be.

RIMA XLVIII
Alguna vez la encuentro por el mundo y pasa junto a mí:
y pasa sonriéndose y yo digo ¿Cómo puede reír?
Luego asoma a mi labio otra sonrisa máscara del dolor,
y entonces pienso: “¡Acaso ella se ríe, como me río yo!”

RHYME XLVIII
Sometimes I pass her by around the world she walks next to me
and she is smiling, and I say How can she smile?
Then appears on my lips another smile pain and sorrow mask then I think,
she might be smiling the same way I am.

RIMA XLIV
Como en un libro abierto leo de tus pupilas en el fondo;
¿a qué fingir el labio risas que se desmienten con los ojos?
¡Llora! No te avergüences de confesar que me quisiste un poco.
¡Llora! Nadie nos mira! Ya ves: soy un hombre… ¡y también lloro!

RHYME XLIV
Like in an open book I can read on the bottom on your eyes
why pretend smiles on your lips that are denied by yout eyes?
Cry, don’t be ashamed to confess that you loved me a bit
Cry! No one is looking You see, I am a man, and I cry too.

RIMA XL
Su mano entre mis manos,
sus ojos en mis ojos,
la amorosa cabeza
apoyada en mi hombro.
¡Dios sabe cuántas veces,
con paso perezoso,
hemos vagado juntos
bajo los altos olmos
que de su casa prestan
misterio y sombra al pórtico!
Y ayer… un año apenas,
pasando como un soplo
con qué exquisita gracia
con qué admirable aplomo,
me dijo al presentarnos
un amigo oficioso:
“Creo que alguna parte
he visto a usted” ¡Ah, bobos
que sois de los salones
comadres de buen tono,
y andáis por allí a caza
de galantes embrollos.
¡Qué historía habéis perdido!
¡Qué manjar tan sabroso!
para ser devorado
“soto voce” en un corro,
detrás de abanico
de plumas de oro!
¡Discreta y casta luna,
copudos y altos olmos,
paredes de su casa,
umbrales de su pórtico,
callad, y que en secreto
no salga con vosotros!
Callad; que por mi parte
lo he vivido todo:
y ella…, ella…, ¡no hay máscara
semejante a su rostro!

RHYME XL
Her hand in my hand,
her eyes in my eyes,
her head leaning
amorously on my shoulder.
God knows how many times,
with lazy steps,
we wandered together
under the tall elms
that lend mystery to her
house and shade to its porch!
And yesterday… hardly a year
had passed, like a puff of wind …
with what exquisite grace
with what admirable assurance,
she said, when an officious
friend introduced us:
“I believe I might have seen you
somewhere before”. Ah, fools
who frequent the salons,
gossips of good tone,
and who go there hunting
for tittilating scandals.
What a history you have lost!
What morsels so tasty!
to be devoured
“sotto voce” in a chorus,
behind a fan
of gold feathers!
Discreet and chaste moon,
bushy and tall elms,
walls of her house,
thresholds of its porch -
keep quiet, so our secrets
don’t escape with the others!
Keep quiet: for me,
they are all still vivid:
but she… she… there is no mask
equal to her face!

RIMA XXIV
Dos rojas lenguas de fuego
que a un mismo tronco enlazadas
se aproximan, y al besarse
forman una sola llama.
Dos notas que del laúd
a un tiempo la mano arranca,
y en el espacio se encuentran
y armoniosas se abrazan.
Dos olas que vienen juntas
a morir sobre una playa
y que al romper se coronan
con un penacho de plata.
Dos jirones de vapor
que del lago se levantan,
y al reunirse en el cielo
forman una nube blanca.
Dos ideas que al par brotan,
dos besos que a un tiempo estallan,
dos ecos que se confunden,
eso son nuestras dos almas.

RHYME XXIV
Two red tongues of fire
on the same log that approach
and connect, and when kissing
form a single flame.
Two notes of a lute
plucked simultaneously by a hand,
that meet each other in space
and harmoniously embrace.
Two waves that come together
to die on a beach
and when breaking are crowned
with a silver plume.
Two shreds of vapor
that rise off a lake,
and when reunited in the sky
form one white cloud.
Two ideas that sprout as a pair,
two kisses that explode at the same time,
two echoes that are confused,
those are our two souls.

RIMA XXX
Asomaba a sus ojos una lágrima
y a mi labio una frase de perdón;
habló el orgullo y se enjugó su llanto,
y la frase en mis labios expiró.
Yo voy por un camino; ella, por otro;
pero, al pensar en nuestro mutuo amor,
yo digo aún: —¿Por qué callé aquel día?
Y ella dirá: —¿Por qué no lloré yo?

RHYME XXX
There appeared in her eyes a tear
and on my lips a phrase of forgiveness…
pride spoke and she dried her tears
and the phrase died on my lips.
I went my way and she went hers;
but when thinking of our mutual love,
I still say: “Why did I keep silent that day?”
and she says: “Why did I not cry?”

RIMA I
Yo sé un himno gigante y extraño
que anuncia en la noche del alma una aurora,
y estas páginas son de este himno
cadencias que el aire dilata en las sombras.
Yo quisiera escribirlo, del hombre
domando el rebelde, mezquino idioma,
con palabras que fuesen a un tiempo
suspiros y risas, colores y notas.
Pero en vano es luchar; que no hay cifra
capaz de encerrarlo, y apenas, ¡oh hermosa!
Si, teniendo en mis manos las tuyas,
pudiera, al oído, cantártelo a solas.    RHYME I
I know a strange gigantic hymn
that announces dawn in the night of the soul,
and these pages are of this hymn
cadences that the air diffuses into shadows.
I wanted to capture it, of men
taming the rebellious, stingy language,
with words that were at the same time
sighs and laughter, colors and notes.
But the struggle is in vain; there is no code
able to confine it, and barely, oh my beauty!
if holding your hands in mine,
could I sing it softly to you alone.

RIMA XI
-Yo soy ardiente, yo soy morena,
yo soy el símbolo de la pasión,
de ansia de goces mi alma está llena.
¿A mí me buscas?
-No es a ti: no.
-Mi frente es pálida, mis trenzas de oro,
puedo brindarte dichas sin fin.
Yo de ternura guardo un tesoro.
¿A mí me llamas?
-No: no es a ti.
-Yo soy un sueño, un imposible,
vano fantasma de niebla y luz;
soy incorpórea, soy intangible:
no puedo amarte.
-¡Oh, ven; ven tú!    RHYME  XI
-I am ardent, I am brown,
I am the sign of passion,
of anxiety for pleasures is my soul full.
Are you looking for me?
-It’s not for you: no.
-My forehead is pale, my braids of gold,
I can give you endless happiness.
I keep a treasure of tenderness.
Are you calling me?
-No: it’s not you.
-I am a dream, an impossible,
vain ghost of mist and light;
I am bodiless, I am untouchable:
I cannot love you.
-Oh, come, you come!
VOLVERÁN LAS OSCURAS GOLONDRINAS
Volverán las oscuras golondrinas
en tu balcón sus nidos a colgar,
y otra vez con el ala a sus cristales
jugando llamarán;
pero aquéllas que el vuelo refrenaban
tu hermosura y mi dicha a contemplar,
aquellas que aprendieron nuestros nombres…
ésas… ¡no volverán!
Volverán las tupidas madreselvas
de tu jardín las tapias a escalar,
y otra vez a la tarde, aun más hermosas,
sus flores se abrirán;
pero aquellas cuajadas de rocío,
cuyas gotas mirábamos temblar
y caer, como lágrimas de día…
ésas… ¡no volverán!
Volverán de amor en tus oidos
las palabras ardientes a sonar;
tu corazón, de su profundo sueño
tal vez despertará;
pero mudo y absorto y de rodillas,
como se adora a Dios ante su altar,
como yo te he querido… desengáñate:
¡así no te querrán!    THE DARK SWALLOWS WILL COME BACK
The dark swallows will come back again
to build their nests on your balcony,
and once more in their play they will knock
on their windows with their wings;
but those ones who refrained their flight
to see your beauty and my happiness,
those ones who learnt our names…
those… those will not come back again!
The massed honeysuckles will come back again
to climb up the walls of your garden,
and at evening once again, even lovelier,
their blossoms will open out;
but those ones that were soaked in dew,
whose drops we watched tremble
and fall, like daytime tears…
those… those will not come back again!
The burning words of love
will sound in your ears again;
your heart will awaken, perhaps,
from its heavy sleep;
but mute and engrossed and kneeling,
just as God is adored before his altar,
the way I loved you… don’t deceive yourself:
you won’t be loved like that again!

Ya pasará

No todo es malo, ha sido dificil reventarme la cabeza para encontrarle lo medianamente positivo a esto por lo que estoy pasando, y pues, tengo unas ideas, si alguien tiene más, avísenme…

• Puedo estudiar en cualquier lugar del mundo, no solo Virginia, puede ser Canadá, Australia, España… el mundo es el límite.
• Puedo coquetear con cualquiera (no es que quisiera, pero puedo, je!)
• Puedo dejar que mi teléfono celular me llame, total, nadie va a llamar.
• Puedo irme de viaje, ser mochilera de nuevo, algo que asumo que no podría con la boda.
• Puedo salir con mis amigos y embriagarme.

Eso es todo, son más las razones para llorar que para reir, pero aun tengo mi vida, mis amigos, mi familia (que han estado ahi a cada momento, para darme fuerza, y hacerme sentir que asi no sea de manera romántica, aun soy amada).

Por ahora los invito a pasar por la página de mi song journal, donde pondré periódicamente las canciones que me inspiran, me dan apoyo expresan lo que siento, o que sencillamente funcionan para mi.

Un abrazo.

El fin

Se acabó todo, ahora si, no tiene reversa, según sus palabras, me ama, pero está saliendo con ella, y está seguro que no funcionará entre nosotros como pareja, quiere que sea su amiga.

Yo necesito tiempo para sanar, para reconstruir mi vida destruida, para entender como se deja de amar en dos meses, para entender por qué. El dice que decidió probar algo diferente, y creo que pude inferir que la ama, asi que no me queda más sino tratar de recoger los pedacitos del corazón, que aun lo aman, tristemente debo admitirlo, y tratar de recomponer una frágil autoestima de por si, que recibió un golpe devastador.

Yo sé que:

• La vida sigue
• Por alguna razón pasó eso
• Mejor antes que cuando estemos casados
• Es porque viene alguien mejor para mi
• Será que no me merecía
• No hice nada mal, es él que no supo valorarme
• Hay muchos peces en el mar
• Para todo hay una primera vez, hasta para el corazón roto
• No te engañó
• Pudo ser peor
• Ya te volverás a enamorar

Y etc, y no, no me hace sentir mejor, en lo absoluto, me sigo sintiendo un fracaso caminante, que fue cambiada por dos meses de salidas con alguien nuevo. Me siento como alguien a quien le despreciaron el amor que brindó, a quién dejaron de amar fácilmente, apenas un mes luego de verme en persona, como un fracaso.

Eso es, un fracaso, que tiene que asumir ante el mundo que fue dejada no en el altar, pero en el camino, cuando ya había mirado vestidos de novia, cuando ya había imaginado la vida juntos, cuando por fin había bajado la guardia lo suficiente.

Sé que no fue así, pero parece un macabro plan, dónde esperaron hasta cuando me sentí segura, amada, cómoda, en casa, dónde pertenecía, en mi lugar; para dar la estocada final.

Cuanto me costó confiar, amar de esa forma, darlo todo, creer que era sincero, me fue tan dificil confiar, me tomó tanto tiempo, le costó tanto a él que yo lo hiciera, para esto.

Si, lo sé, no me engañó, fue fiel hasta el final, me amó hasta el último momento que pudo, y cuando dejó de hacerlo, fue sincero y me lo dijo, pero aun asi me siento como una imbécil, una perdedora, un fracaso. Ser el que ama más no es tan bueno como en las canciones, en la vida real, uno se siente como tarado, como un idiota, un idiota que ve con ojos de amor, hasta el final, como… un pollo que crían en la casa y lo matan en semana santa, o un perro que dejan en la finca para no volver, esos ojos de amor + ignorancia.

No es amargura, no puedo pedirle otra cosa mejor a la relación que tuve, fue increíble, leal e intensa, el mejor inicio que pude tener, mi primer y gran amor. Sólo que el final es desconcertante para mi, como un terremoto, sigo sin entenderlo, sin explicármelo, y para el tipo de persona que soy, eso es muy dificil de aceptar; soy un ser profundamente racional, que necesita respuestas, y no las tiene, solo tiene mil pedazos de un corazón vuelto m$%&@*, y la soledad más grande que haya sentido jamás.

P.D.: Recibo hojas de vida, je! Ahora en serio, todos dicen sal otra vez, vuelve al ruedo, ¿con quién? será que creen que los hombres llueven a mi puerta. Newsflash! No, no pasa, a mi no me pasa.